Today The Ocean Taught Me A Great Big Lesson About Getting Out Of The Way Of Myself.
I’ve been lonely, alone and just plain sad. I thought a walk would do me good. It was nearly dusk when I began wandering aimlessly through this transient little beach town. I was desperate and thinking I could possibly siphon a little joy from the other living souls around. It’s hard to tell if the folks here are really tan or just dirty, relaxed or just high, happy or just unaware but everyone here is so chill, worry-free and shoeless, with their careless hair and acoustic guitars.
Instead of my spirits being lifted and my hope restored I felt myself being sucked of whatever was left. I could feel the light leaking from my body and my breath being stifled from the smoke of my dying fire. I moved slowly and with difficulty. My limbs and body felt like I was dragging sandbags. Somehow, perhaps I was subconsciously hoping to make a deposit, I ended up at the ocean’s edge. A dull yet anxious feeling of pulsing electricity had been running through my body. It had me wildly wanting to jump into the water, hoping for a jolt, a shock, some awakening but I didn’t have it in me. Instead, I gave in to the buckling of my knees just shy of the shore’s break and sat like a rock waiting for the water to erode me.
I sat and stared out at nothing in particular, sitting paralyzed like a beached jellyfish. I became hypnotized, a kind of accidental meditation happened. A soothing calm softly and slowly came over me. I’m not sure if a minute or an hour passed but it didn’t matter, I was feeling better, that is to say, I was feeling more. As I lifted from my state of trance my attention was brought to a little tug from deep inside. My heart strings must have been knotted deep below the sandy bottom because with every growing wave something loosened inside of me. It was like a wall being pulled down, one great yank at a time. Oh, I welcomed this feeling.
As the waves grew bigger, thrashing white, effervescent foam against golden grains, I began to feel the same relief, release and surrender that the ocean was exhibiting. I could hear it whisper, follow me, do as I do. I let my breath connect with each wave. My breath and the breath of the ocean, as I breathed so did it. We became one. We were in rhythm. With every long inhale, the ocean and I inhaled together and then exhaled in sync. Each deep, long suck of the water as it pulled back, more, further, deeper, building, growing until it reached its capacity and spewed its giant weight of energy forcefully and intentionally back down at the ground in front of me fed me back my power. Every crashing wave hit the ground hard enough that I thought it was making the earth move but then I knew it was just my sadness shaking loose. Oh, let it out, let it loose!
It was taking all the feelings I haven’t had the strength to deal with, sucking them in and spitting them out, like getting rid of a venomous poison. It was like watching my raging internal desire to smash glassware, take a bat to a set of headlights, set fire to anything instead be released by way of nature’s peaceful and healing force of the ocean.
In a single session, my self-loathing was removed. I was free to go, but I couldn’t move and I stayed planted. I didn’t want to leave the comfort I had found. I was high, riding the waves of the wise and great therapist, but mother nature insisted that I not miss the point she was making. Get up, screamed the ocean as it barreled closer and with more force than before. The waves grew more intimidating and the ocean threatened to take me down, suck me in and put me out of my own self-created, insufferable misery. Get up! It had had enough of me, but the ocean was only showing me my reflexion. It was me that had had enough of me. Get out of the way of yourself, it hollered in a loud roar as it tumbled towards me even bigger. And in one swift motion, I landed on my feet, pushed back and watched the water fill the space I had occupied. I watched the sadness wash away and it I knew it was time to let go and move along.
Mother nature has a way of showing yourself to you. She forces you to deal, to learn, to evolve. She is forever my greatest teacher and I am her greatest student. I am forever in love with her and always reminded to find the love within me, after all, we are one in the same. Life can cut deep but always offers the tools to help us learn and heal ourselves, we just have to pay attention.